2004-09-23 - 11:34 p.m.

You may be looking at this link and wondering what the fuck I am talking about? Well allow me to explain.

I was driving with my girlfriend to go get some food. It was about 10:30pm so it was a bit dark outside. We crossed over the intersection and I stopped because there was a cat in the road. As I got closer, I realized that this was no cat. It was a South African Pygmy CatDogFoxHyenaCoyote, or better known by its proper name, "Ctdgfxhncyt". This name is both impossible to say and spell correctly as it changes each time. I will be submitting this into Animal Planet Animal Cops Lombard. It looked like an Egyptian cat with little to no fur and a very long snout. It stared at me the entire time it was in front of my car and gave me the "Fuck you bitch" look. We got our food and saw a pile of blood from a local child in the area and assumed it must have been feeding time. I can't wait for the nightmares to start with that thing like raping me or something....There's a reserved section in hell for animals like this.

Today I almost ate shit into the bath tub. I first must say that there is nothing scarier than slipping when you are naked. I was getting ready to get into the shower, I put one foot in and sort of half ass lost my balance. Terrified for my life, I grabbed the shower curtain with my left hand, and the wall with my right. Well it didn't help me out much because the goddamn shower curtain gave way, and the wall was wet so my hand slid right on off of it. My foot had already slid far and I quickly stomped my other foot inside the shower and regained my balance. I haven't stopped shaking since and the load I dropped still won't go down the drain. Stuff like this always scares the shit out of me when it happens. Knowing my luck, my dick would get caught in something sharp and I would end up sodomizing myself onto the towel rack somehow and passing out from the pain. That is not something I would ever want another person to see....especially my dad when he would have to come in and save me.

Can you name something more embarassing than dick pants at work while talking to some random person? For those of you who are uncertain about just what the hell dick pants are, allow me to explain. Dick pants happens when you sit down, and you zipper bends outwards and protrudes from the rest of your pants making it look like you have something special to show everyone. Sure there's many far more embarassing things, but when you are sitting at your desk talking with someone and notice that you are "dickpantsing", there is no easy fix besides pulling your pants down a tad to try to decrease the size of your prosthetic khaki hard on. I would love to own a pair of pants that for once doesn't scream out, "HEY LOOK AT ME, I HAD A ZIPPER DICK STICKING STRAIGHT UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE".

Okay, my "crazy stopping" medication has worn off so it's time for sleepy sleep. Keep an eye out for the Night Stalking Mexican Hairless Ctdgfxhncyt, and stop trying to watch me shower. If I fall, I want to be anally violated in peace...

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