2004-12-15 - 8:42 p.m.

Well I said I would be back to update today and as promised, I'm naked....er....back! I'm back! So...anyways, I have no idea what this is going to be about so I am just going to type until I come up with a story or topic.

Christmas is right around the corner and I am reminded of the days when we were kids. You remember going to the local malls and seeing Santa there and getting all excited over it and happy. You would already begin listing off the things you want from him....
"I want a truck, and LEGOS, and G.I. Joe's, and a new bike, and He-Man, and...."

Now this would typically continue for about 20 minutes. The entire time you spent in line, you were gabbing away about how you couldn't wait to get up to him to tell him all the things you wanted. Antsy and excited as can be, it was your turn. And what do you do? You cry and pee your pants....It's amazing how that worked out. At that point, you would cry even harder and pee even more and maybe fart a little. Maybe a bloody nose just to make sure you have all excriment running out of your body all at once. Now imagine this now a days. What if you just got a brand new car, you cried, farted, peed and bloody nosed? How would you cover that up after you were done? Play it off like...
"Well I got poked in the eye today at work, that fart wasn't me.....it was you, I never peed my pants....persé....I just...umm...spilled something. And the bloody nose I sneezed part of my cantacula out. You never heard of a cantacula? Wow, you are a loser."

I don't know if this would work, but it's worth a shot I guess. Either that, or just control your body functions until after you leave and then unload outside and leave a puddle of DNA outside the door.

You know the weird thing about a dog? You can burp, DIRECTLY in their face, and they look at you like you just did them a favor. What kind of stupid fuckin animal enjoys smells that come from the recesses of one stomach? I guess maybe the same kind who eat shit and sniff piss. I remember I dated a girl like that once...

Speaking of He-Man, has anyone ever gone back and watched those cartoons? I can't believe my parents didn't disown me for watching this half a fag riding around on battle cat with his pretty "Bob" hair cut. If I ever find someone stupid enough to have my offspring, and those kids watch anything questionable like that, they get 10 minutes in their cage, outside, in the snow. That'll teach em to watch shitty shows like She-Ra, the shittiest spin off ever. Fuck you cunt-ra and fuck girl power.

Let's stay on the past for a moment longer and remember our most embarassing moment as a kid. I have no shame to admit mine. This is going to make for a good story I am sure, and I most likely will never live this down, but it is quite funny.

Back in the day, when it was cool to like Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles, we used to play on the playground and pretend we were them. That is pretty normal and it was actually pretty fun. It was a bit wet outside as the snow had just melted. Well we were out "fighting crime" on the blacktop when we decided to pretend fight. Well we were all pretend punching and kicking each other. Here is where you need a bit of background. My mom thought it would be cool to dress me in Wranglers pants as a kid. I don't want to talk about it. I am leaving it at that. So a ball came rolling over by us and I grabbed it and went to punt it back to the kids who lost it. Well, as I brought up my left leg to kick it, my right foot went out from under me. My left foot just kept on trucking upwards while my right foot stayed down thus ripping my pants in the crotch vicinity from zipper down and around to the top of the crack. I must have had a hang time of about 15 seconds. I had already begun to cry as I knew how much this was going to hurt, and I came down on my ass and bounced about 7 times. As I wailed in pain about how much my ass hurt, the ball, which I did kick, landed on my face. Apparently when I kicked the ball, it went straight up in the air and came right back down on me. I would pay every single penny I will make in my entire life to just see a reinactment of that there. As I walked home, half naked, crying, broken glasses and soaked from head to toes, I swore like Ralphie from the Christmas Story as I kicked snow and cried about my aching ass.

Can you tell why I play the computer? It might be because I don't want to show off my mad hang time, ass bouncing ability, and the rare skill of kicking a ball straight up in the air and having it hit me in the face. Ah well...I'm off to shop till I drop!!!! Stupid disco night still has me a little messed up. So until next time, remember the wise words of Helen Keller:

"Gwhhaaaa....irf lirmk ubbing quarpie...loooooooo"

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