2005-07-07 - 6:43 p.m.

Hi everyone, and welcome back. So as it turns out, there was some sort of bombing or something yesterday in England. So the US raised our "OH MY FUCKING GOD TERROR ALERT LEVEL" to some new color. You know what might help the US out a tad? If anyone besides the government knew what in the fuck those colors meant. I have no idea what the difference is between red and orange and yellow and purple and pink and whatever other colors there are. It would be nice to have a system that makes sense. So without further ado, I bring to you, my own terror alert level:

The worst of the stages. A terrorist could find his way into your home or work and lay in wait. Imagine walking into your home with your family and be punched square in the balls by a terrorist with brass knuckles and hard on. I think we know how that ends....

STOP TOUCHING MY ASS: Suicide Ass Rape, Forced Anal Beads, and Salad Tossing

Common homosexual practice gone awry where the terrorist has an ass fetish and unfortunately, needs a victim. It is advised that you wear a cup backwards during this Terror Level. Be alert at the grocery store when there is no more salad dressing. This is a clear sign that we are in "STOP TOUCHING MY ASS" alert level.

WHAT THE FUCK: Mustard Attacks, Urine Water Balloons, and Simpson Marathons

As you put on your new shirt you just bought and step outside, you are pelted in a drive by Mustard/Urine Water Balloon attack and are forced to throw away your shirt and take another shower. As you are getting ready, you turn on the television to see a Simpson's Marathon......God Damn you FOX!

The more offputting stage, you are kidnapped and dragged into a basement, put on a camera and tickled while the world watches via the internet. Al Jazeera and CNN play the movie repeatedly during the next month. In the background is Kenny Chesney, played over and over again. There have been rumors that the terrorist dresses up as Barney Rubble and you are forced to dance the Lambada with them, but these have yet to be confirmed.

No deaths from this level as of yet. This can occur at random and does not even need to be a terrorist. Walking down the street and being slapped as the person runs off. More puzzling then hurtful. Upper deckering involves crapping in someones upstairs bathroom that lives alone and not flushing the toilet so it sits and reeks up their house. This is common among pot heads. And finally, failed suicide attempts. These can involve trying to suicide bomb a your cat because you thought she was stealing your ideas, but couldn't suicide bomb them because all you had was a spring. Reports have been made that one man tried to suicide bomb his stairs because he stubbed his toe on them walking up, but as he ran towards the stairs to bomb them, he tripped and fell down. Lastly, only one incident of where a man tried to suicide bomb a mosquito for biting him, but could never find that same mosquito again.....sad.

I will maintain a constant watch on my surroundings and report any color changing status as necessary. As usual, I will leave you with one last word from a friend who said to me just the other day......

"You are a fuckin moron."

Anyways, Consider yourself warned.....

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