2004-09-02 - 12:15 a.m.

It's been a long time my faithful bitches, so hopefully I have good stuff for you today. Of recent, Dave Matthews tour bus driver decided it would be a good idea to release 800 lbs of septic juices into the Chicago River while on a bridge. One problem with that though....there was a tour boat underneathe the bus when this happened. The tour boat was cruising around the river showing off architecture of buildings and such when they were bombarded by hippy piss and shit. This did not seem to get the news play I would expect, thus my entry about it here. Try to imagine yourself on the boat floating around the river looking at stupid buildings. You see the Civic Opera House and NorthWestern Train Station. You look at pigeons and homeless people and make fun of them both and wonder if a homeless person ever eats pigeons. Next thing you know you take a shower in pot riddled hippy body waste. They showed one person covered head to toe in what looked like the worst diarrhea accident ever. Makes my dogs ass problems so much smaller when I compare the two. Especially since she didn't piss and shit on me. And shes not a pot head.

Moving along to stories that don't involve poopie pee pee jokes, I found a flying spider in my room. Yes, I do tend to exaggerate things sometimes, however this is no joke. This daddy long legs looking spider mosquito fly was fully equipped with heat sensors, radar, dual turbo rocket pack, and mini rocket propelled grenade lauchers. As it flew by, it almost made a whirring sound similiar to an Apache Helicopter. It apparently can cloak itself as well because I have not seen it since, but I am sure it will be back to eat my crotch while I sleep. I will be very pissed if this actually happens.....

Rick James died and without saying what everyone else has said about him, Bitch, I am going to actually say something meaningful about him. He should have died years ago. Why you ask? Well because there is a shortage of cocaine in the world because most of it is still in his nose. For a coke head, he lived a long life.

Speaking of weirdos, Passion of my cock sold 4.1 million copies of the DVD today. There is no typo there. In one single day, Mel Gibson sold 4,100,000 copies of his movie in a single day. This officially proves that Mel Gibson is better than Jesus ever was. Mel Gibson is still alive and he's rich. Jesus is dead. And, Mel Gibson was awesome in Lethal Weapon. When's the last time Jesus made a good movie?

I thought of something today that is a bit disturbing. If I were ever to go to jail, I would die instantly. Either that or the second I walked in, my hair would grow long and boobs would suddenly pop onto my chest with complete make up and everything. I'd be bent over and tossing salad while braiding hair and getting traded off for 2 Newport 100's. Who says you can't have heaven on earth?

Anyways....wow.....so what about business men? Not the normal ones, the crooked ones. Let's take the ex CEO of TYCO: Dennis Kozlowski. Okay, now put him into the situation I just described. He scammed his company out of money and all that fun stuff, but does he deserve the above situation? This is a man with a wife and kids and so on. Could you ever come home and lead a normal life after that? Could you kiss your wife good night and sleep soundly knowing what happened?

I would have recurring nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat scared for my life crying. Than I would realize I'm not in jail anymore, and I would cry even more. I miss my old cell mate...

Well it's been fun, but I have to go to sleep to work for the man. Later my internet whores of love. Until next time, I leave you with this:

Eat Shit. Get High. Tour Bus 2004!

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