2006-05-10 - 10:05 p.m.

Well apparently, being as sexually vulgar as you could ever be does not land you a lot of internet dates or email using match.com. I am quite disappointed. Anyways, I am back here typing away to you lovely people who have probably been crying as it has been just that long since I updated. Let's see where 10:00 at night and being a tad tired gets me.

I was bored and feeling very vain so I decided to google my own website to see how many hits I would get and so on. Needless to say, I am not happy with what I found. So therefore, I am going to attempt to use as many different attention whore getting words as I can possibly shit in a fist to try to up my hot teenage naked girls hits on my cock sucking website. Good thing I love George Bush and like to have sex with raw chicken bones, as that will definitely up my Dane Cook hits. God knows that George Carlin would love to go see Snakes on a Plane with Rachel Bilson and myself so we just need to focus on the pornographic porn sex that we find.

Now let's see if I can think of some words to try to get my website some attention. You didn't think that....? That above paragraph wasn't... I was just. Bah you got me. Now shut your ass up and keep reading.

So Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Let's take a look at these characters logically and try to figure out just what in the fuck is wrong with our parents that made us believe in this. We will start with the Easter Bunny:

Let me start by saying that this is the gayest looking bunny ever. But anyways, so as children we believed that the night before Easter, we would hard boil eggs and dye them with food coloring in hopes that the Easter Bunny would then scoop up these eggs, hide them around our house and leave a basket of plastic grass and candy. What kind of person, whether a rabbit or person, would see colored eggs in someones house, break into their house and immediately think, "I've got to hide these fucking things all over the house! In return, I will leave them a basket of random candy and then just disappear!" That shit doesn't even make sense. And don't even get me started on finding stupid colored eggs from Easter the year before and cracking that rotten thing open. I still gag thinking about it and that was about 18 years ago. And how, on God's green fucking earth, does this even make sense? Better yet, how does this even relate to a ghost coming back from the dead and haunting earth for the rest of our lives? And let me raise another question since I just touched on religion, why is it that there is a heaven and hell for everyone, but Jesus Christ can come back from the dead? Why can he pull that shit, but no one else can? If you ask anyone out there, hardly anyone believes in reincarnation, so how does this part of the bible or whatever even make sense to anyone? Fuck that. Let's move on.

Santa Claus:

Where to begin with this one.... Ok, let's start again with another scenario. It's is late on Christmas Eve and you are awake, eagerly awaiting presents that you can't return because no one believes in god damned gift receipts anymore so you are stuck with a shirt that is 3 sizes too small and haven't been able to fit into that size since you were an infant but you keep it anyways because you feel bad. So in preparation for this, you lay out milk and cookies and go to sleep. Then, by some chance of luck, a big fat fuck flying around on a sleigh filled with toys and being pulled by magical reindeer lands on your house, shimmies his fat ass down your chimney, eats your food, and leaves toys in it's place under a tree. Right. Right. So what about people who live in apartments? Does he come in through the balcony? Or does the landlord just let him in? Aside from that problem, what about all the "elves" he has back at the North Pole? I say they are "elves" because I am sure they are children that he steals and molests if they don't get to work on making his toys. Why haven't the cops busted this fat jack off for stealing children and midgets and putting them into forced labor with the threat of molestation? And another thing, what the fuck does this have to do with Jesus Christs birthday? Anyone? Anyone at all?

No really. Thanks mom and dad. I appreciate it. Glad I am an athiest. Makes more sense to me as opposed to believing that some psychotic rabbit breaks into my house while I sleep and hides my shit or a child molestor might slide down my chimney and kidnap me off to the north pole where I am never seen or heard from again and forced into a lifetime of endless labor.

I sense I may have gone too far with that. Thus, to realign the mood, I will leave you with this:

"If you are ever feeling down, a surefire way to pick yourself back up is to think about a midget dancing."

If you can't picture it, check out this video.

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