2006-03-28 - 8:58 p.m.

With my World of Warcraft server down, I don't really have much to do. I am kind of sitting here trying to think of what to talk about and so I went to the place of endless ideas....the internet. I began to think about all the uses of the internet. We can find porn, buy shit in our underwear, learn about how different technology works, and even....meet people. I have decided to take a massive undercover story into www.match.com. That's right ladies and gents, I am putting myself on the market to see what I can find. This expose will last about 30 minutes or until my server comes back up to see what and who I can find on here. Let's start by making a user name shall we?

I naturally picked the name cocknballs but it was surprisingly taken, thus leaving me with cocknballsbitch which match.com suggested me to take. Amazing how helpful they are!

This is a direct quote I put up there and I swear to God if I get one response on this profile, I will be shocked as hell.

What do you do for fun?

I enjoy skinning cats, dogs and sheep in my spare time. To be more exact, I love shaving all the hair on my body and screaming out, "I am powder!" I also like to wear makeup, cut myself and shit on peoples faces. I have very little baggage....duh!

Favorite local hot spots or travel destinations?

I like to hang out at the lesbian clubs to see if they are in the mood for meat. I often frequent slaughterhouses on first dates to show my softer side. I also like to hang out around your house. I know where you live. Go shower now...please.....

Favorite things?

My FAVORITE thing to do is rub raspberry sauce in my hair and light candles while listening to Linda Ronstadt in the bathtub. I like to rub raw meat on my arms and run naked through the woods at midnight. So sexy. Yes. I also eat baby food. Sexy

What's the last thing you read?

I don't read. I spend most my time making chicken gravy to ladel onto my love muscle. I like to excercise wearing my clown suit. I am often found eating from the dumpsters of fine restaurants. You can also find me at Kohl's in the womens dept.

Are you a 9-to-5er? Your own boss? What kind of job do you have?

I work selling myself on the internet to the lowest bidder. The technology now a days is great for business. Who would have known cross-dressing, albino, sheep loving, chronic masterbating, hermaphrodite, yoddlers could get so much work here?

Describe yourself and your perfect match to our community.

There was one time I was eating some subway and I saw a guy standing looking at me so I said "What's up bitch? Wanna tangle?" and he was all, "No man!" and I was all "That's what I thought fag." I rock like that on a daily basis. I was driving my car one day and this cop started chasing me with his lights on, and I was all, "Oh hell naw!" and the cop kept chasing and I realized that I was way too fast for him so I parked and I got out and ran and he did the same and started chasing me on foot so there we are in a foot race when none other than Emilio Estevez walks up and I was all "EMILIO!" and the cop was all, "FROM MEN AT WORK!" and we high fived and kept running when this hot chick pulled up and I jumped in her car and clichely said, "See ya sucker!" This was yesterday. Again, this a daily thing for me. I ran into a 7-11 once and the guy behind the counter said, "I know you! You shit in my ice cream tubs last time you were here! Get the fuck out!" I was all, "Pfft. Whatever", and shot him with Desert Eagle .50 machine gun hand gun. That is how I roll. My dog once at 300 hot dogs and thought she was all hot shit. So what did I do? I punched her in her dog ass stomach and eat everything she puked. I flex everytime I feel someone looking at me to show off my 39" pythons. I look like Hulk Hogan, only I am a little overweight. I eat from a trough usually with my pet horse. His name is Silver and sometimes, I ride him to womens houses and yell, "Hiyo Silver! Away!" I orginated that and that dickhead bitch The Lone Ranger stole it from me because he is a fag was busy having sex with Tonto when he heard me yell it after I banged both their moms. Again. This is how I roll. I have yet to find a hooker I can say no to. They just have this "I am already dead look" that is irresistible to me. I once beat up a kid for looking at my shoes. Did I mention I flex my 45" pythons on a daily basis? Cuz I rock that shit. I am very sensitive and trustworthy.

Your dating headline.

I have never raped anyone and got convicted of it so I have that going for me. I also eat cat feces for breakfast so I smell...

Now that my profile is out there, I wait. Let's see the results.

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