2006-03-06 - 11:02 p.m.

So I am addicted to gambling. I have been non-stop thinking of going to the boat in Elgin, IL and gambling as much as I can get away with. I only think about doing this which is good. My girlfriend keeps me fairly grounded with this, so I have had to make up for it by playing stupid casino games on my computer. It bores the shit out of me, but it is better than trying to figure out why I can't come up with a car payment. If I tried to go to Gambler Anonymous or whatever it's called, I would be laughed at like Dave Chappelle in Half Baked.

People losing their houses and cars and families and shit and here I am bitching that I only THINK about going to the boat a lot. Pfft.

See the thing is this though. I very rarely lose when I go. I have won, in one shot mind you, over $1000, $800, $600, and something like $500. I am definitely up financially from all the times that I have gone. I guess I don't have a point to this now that I reread this. Umm....there should be some moral here that I should have learned. Hmm....Winners don't do drugs? Nah. Don't get caught wearing your moms clothes on Christmas? That isn't it, but it's good advice. Gambling is only bad if you lose? Yeah! That's it. So I guess I don't really have a problem. Interesting.

So I crashed my hard drive on my computer. I know. I am fantastic. See what happened was I was walking in my house late one night in the pitch black when I saw a figure in front of me and immediately thought, "INTRUDER!" and tuck rolled, as I often do in this situation, and popped up behind them and gave them a swift punch in the kidney when at that exact point in time, my stove opened and turned on and the pilot light was out and now it's me and this figure, who now has bad kidney, slowly getting surrounded by gas from the stove as we fist fight when one of my sisters cats walked up and bit my foot and hooked himself on with his nails to my pants so I spin kicked the cat off my pants and into the microwave door which turned on the microwave and there was a piece of aluminum foil in there which caused the microwaved aluminum foil set a spark that blew up my kitchen and tossed me and the person and some cat guts into a frenzy of mad flips and kicks into my den and we landed on a nearby plant all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-ish and started fighting on the plant, but then we both realized how incredibly stupid that is and jumped down and fought like non mythilogical people who don't have the ridiculous ability to defy gravity and when we landed I did a round house elbow (very rare and deadly move) and landed it and crashed him through my patio door and sent glass flying in slow motion so I jumped up through my roof and put a huge hole in my roof, did a triple flip and landed one knee on his back and as he winced in pain, I walked off and told a kid to go do his homework. I am a hero. After all of this, I walked in my room and installed "City of Villains" and pissed off my computer. After the install completed, my drive began to make the unpleasant sound of grinding. I knew exactly what this was and spent the next few minutes balled up in the corner crying. After about 20 minutes, I decided to try to fix it. Well I lost all my shit, but I did fix it so I rock harder than most human beings.

Lastly, I fucking destroyed a balloon in my car. So here is the setup. It is me and my girlfriend, coming back from the boat in Elgin gambling (See top story before telling me I should quit), and it was about 3:30 in the am. I see a car stopped on the side of the road and sort of half ass slow down a tad to make sure I don't kill any stupid people when this balloon walked out in front of my car. It was one of those silvery balloons with the string and paper weight thingy hanging off of it. I tag this stupid thing and go into panic mode thinking I just killed my 3rd pedestrian of the day. I caught it out of the corner of my eye and thought maybe it was a very thin, huge Silverback Gorilla with the words "Happy Birthday" written on its back in red lettering running backwards into the street. But then I remembered that it must be a balloon as Silverbacks are prodominantly found in the mountains of Uganda. When I finally stopped white knuckling my steering wheel, I laughed about it thinking that the people probably stopped to get their balloon and here comes asshole Ryan flying down the street to ram the stupid thing and send it down the street about 50 yards.

I guess the conclusion of this, is I rock. If you dare question this, I have a round house elbow with your name on it. Don't believe me...?

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