2005-11-17 - 7:45 p.m.

I have been having some awkward moments with people of recent and it got me thinking about that feeling in general. I am not talking about the awkward thing where you are walking on the same side of the hall as someone and neither of you move until the last moment and kind of do a little dance with each other until someone laughs uncomfortably and walks around the other. No no. I am talking about worse. The type of awkward where you tell a racist joke and no one laughs. Or worse yet, where someone of that race walks up and immediately dubs you, "The racist guy". This has never happened to me, but I have witnessed this many times. Or even worse yet...

You are standing at the stall peeing minding your own business, when someone in the stall farts. It happens. But when they giggle at it....it just....it's odd. I don't know if I should laugh too since farting is indeed funny, or just pretend I never heard it and walk out. Or even better yet....

I am once again at the urinal, peeing, minding my own business when a larger guy walks up to the stall next to me. I do the awkward, "Hey..." and walk away to go wash my hands. I look in the mirror to make sure I am still as weird looking as I was earlier and notice in the mirror that the big guys pants are around his ankles. Of course the moment I look, the old skibbies drop too and I see GIANT WHITE MAN ASS..... How does that get worse? I am frozen watching him struggle to pull them up as he is a larger guy, but is battle exposing his shit at the same time. So what do I do? I walk out of the bathroom as if it never happened and laugh until I cry from it at my desk. What? I am already going to hell, I may as well enjoy classic comedy gold like that.

These are not the most awkward however. I have another. I am talking about something that I thought I could only share in person that happened to me not too long ago at my office....

So being in the IT field, we are required to do hardware moves like bringing monitors and computers from one spot to another. Grunt work basically. Well, in one of my adventures, I picked up a monitor and began to bring it up to our Help Desk when this occurred. I walked towards a door that swung inward or away from me. I propped the monitor up on my shoulder, and reached for the door with the other hand. To my surprise, the door handle was no longer where I thought it would be tossing my equilibrium out the window. Another person had begun to walk through the door at the exact same time as me. As I leaned further and further, in slow motion mind you, this guy appeared from the other side of the door and began walking towards me. He apparently didn't see me and was also caught off guard, thus causing two equilibrium's to be tossed out the window to go party with each other and have rough, yet loving sex. In the meantime, I am still off balance with my hand fully extended making my "Oh MY FUCKING GOD I'M FALLING" face. As he took one step forward, I somehow managed to regain my balance, but my hand was still extended. There was no touching, but my hand ceased movement about....2 inches from the crotch vicinity. If he had coughed, I would have been able to tell if he had a hernia or not. Too close for anyones comfort. As I backed off with my hand still frozen in place, I moved aside and let him go through the door and stood in amazement at what had just happened. I brought the monitor up to my desk and realized that neither of us said a single word to each other during the entire exchange.

About a week went by and we saw each other, at the same door, coming through opposite ends, at the same god damn time again. When I saw him this time, I backed off and turned around and went the other way. To this day, I have yet to say anything to him because there is no recovering from a situation like that. That is a lifetime of permanent unfixable scarring. It is funny as hell, but yet, deadly serious at the same time.....

Well I am off to hopefully walk in on someone going to the bathroom or jerking off or something that would cause me to want to cry, point and laugh, and freak out all at once. If you are bored, you need to go to http://www.gizoogle.com and put my site address in there. It is absolutely fucking hilarious.

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