2005-10-18 - 9:16 p.m.

Two months. It has been two months since I last updated. I apologize but I can assure you I have a great reason. Let's start with the virus that released onto my works' network.

We had a nice fucking virus that caused our entire IT department to work about 55-60 hours a week for three weeks straight. Long, long hours, weekend work, and so on. We finally got this shit under control and are beginning recovery which is just as bad. Fuck viruses and fuck the people who write them. I would like to personally sodomize the person who wrote this with a cattle prod until their hair falls out. I am God damn sick of this God damn shit.

Let's move to my car. Well as I foresaw, Toyota is fucking me big time with it. They declined the warranty which in turn forces me to try to figure out a way to fix it for the least amount of money and trade it in to let it become someone else's fucking problem. It's a dickhead move, but last time I checked, karma hates me. They were real gentle about it too....

Toyota - "Yep, it's screwed. Only costs about 8 g's for a new engine buddy."

Me - "Only? Is that it? Shit, I got that on me right now. Let me just pull out my magical fucking wallet and....gimme my keys."

So I talked with my brother, who luckily is a mechanic, and he is going to hook me up. I guess he knows a guy who replaces engines, blah blah blah, free, blah blah blah, pay for parts, so on and so forth. It saves me $7,000 for a new engine and a lot of forced sexual relations that I am not ready to discuss just yet from Toyota. So I would like to send a big FUCK YOU to Toyota for standing behind that fucking horrible warranty. I can't wait to get my next piece of shit car that ends up with something like a dead hooker in the trunk and I go to jail for it. At least I would get a freebie before I went....

Wow....did I just make a dead hooker joke....? Even I am amazed at that one and I won't even delete it.

So my brother and I started taking apart the car and removing all the little easy stuff. He tried to teach me as we went along which I thought was nice, but my mind was elsewhere....

Bro - "So this is your dual overhead cams. Basically, this one monitors how much gas / air mixture is let down into the piston, the piston compresses it, the spark plug fires, and the other overhead cam allows the exhaust to flow out."

Me - "You ever watch the OC? That chick Summer on there is fucking hot."

Bro - "Wa....what? How did you get there?"

Me - "I was thinking the other day, if Unicorns were real, how would they of come about? I bet it was something kick ass like the Black Stallion did the Excallibur and they became one. I wonder how sharp that horn would be..."

Bro - "Yeah....so when the piston fires...."

At that point I began to ponder walruses and what kind of sweet weapon they had to do it with. My money is on daggers.

So I am working myself out of debt finally! Hell yes I used an exclamation point on that shit. 4 credit cards down and 2 to go is a sweet deal for me. Next thing I got to do is stop the fucking collection agencies from calling my house. Getting annoying having to claim I am Asian and "No speak no English" repeatedly.

And finally, I cut the living fuck out of my finger. See what happened was I was walking in the woods when this bear came up to me. He stood up on his hind legs and stood over 9 feet tall right. So I punched him in the stomach and he fell down. Right then, a wasp came up and buzzed my ear and tried to sting me, but I wasn't having that shit, so I ducked and did a double tuck flip and kicked his wings off. At this point, the bear came back so I roundhouse kicked his ass like Ryu in Street Fighter and knocked him dazed but right as I kicked him a gigantic flying mechanical squirrel attacked my face and started trying to bite me but I wasn't about to go down to that so I threw him on top of the wasp. The wasp got angry, crawled over and stung the bear who started foaming at the mouth and tried attacking my legs and ass, but thanks to Ninja Gaiden, I knew exactly what to do and scaled a wall and threw a shryuiken at him and killed him. I then walked over stepped on the wasp and set off my portable EMP and destroyed the mechanical squirrel. After all of this, I was walking out of the forest unscathed, but tripped on a tree root and cut my hand on a barbed wire fence. I shook it off and laughed the whole way home.

Either that....or I cut my hand making food. I was cutting a potato and decided to add a little flavor. HUMAN SKIN!!! DUn dun duuuuhhnnnnnn! After I cut myself, I shrieked out "OH WHY GOD! WHY DO YOU FORSAKE ME!" and cried the whole way to the bathroom. After sobbing for a good 20 minutes uncontrolably and filling the sink with blood, I put a bandage on it and reflected about how smoothly I played it off in front of my girlfriend.

This is always a pleasant thought, I cut myself so deep and so awkwardly, I had a flap of skin that dangled back and forth. I made the following sound while looking at:

Inhale while trying to make the "sssssssssss" sound.

Now just add in "Ahhhhhhhhh.....sssssssssssss"

Repeat for about 20 more minutes.

I went to work the next day, without visiting the hospital, and began to look at what I had done to myself. I noticed that the skin began to meld itself back into place and thought this very odd. Since I never have regenerated parts before, I finally caved in and went to the hospital and was chastised by the nurse and doctor for not going the night prior. Apparently, I was supposed to have stitches, but was just far too bad ass for that. And to top all this fucking wonderful stuff off, I had to get a Tetanis shot. For those of you who have not had one, I suggest it. The shot itself doesn't hurt at all. A very slight pinch and a tiny burn. After I stopped crying from that, I reflected once again about how brave I was, took my "I've been shot sticker" and sucker and they cleaned me up and let me go on my way. It has been 24 hours since my shot and I feel like my dad punched me full force in the shoulder. It is fantastic. I keep checking for bruises but I don't see anything and I struggle to put my arm above shoulder length without making cringe faces and the "ahhhhh....sssssss" sounds.

You wanted an update, there you go. That is just 2 god damn months of the crap that I can remember. I am finally getting tired now so I think I will post this up, but expect more updates soon as my life starts to fall back into order. At least I hope so. I will leave you with one last story of mine.

So my dog just tried to jump up on the bed, and because she is fat, she didn't quite make it. So being the nice owner that I am, I tried to pick her little fat ass up and help her up there, but she must has mistaken that as me trying to take her life and she panicked. She flailed and her tail whipped me in the eye and there is fur everywhere and in a fit of freakedoutness, my hand slipped off of her and well....I helped her by pushing her by her crotch. Yes. Ok. Yes. My hand touched bare dog crotch. I don't want to talk about it.

I have nothing to reflect on with that....

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